I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
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My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Sharon, call the vet
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.