Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

What kind of a cult is this?

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers