Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

Life cycle of cat