Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no “we” in chocolate.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

💀💀

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

🤣🤣

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

me hooking up with my ex

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
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