i spent way too long on this
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I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”