I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
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We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
