Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

I wish I could veto my bills.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

😂 amazing answer

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.