I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
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Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.