Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

Covert ops

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.