Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”