Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Doormats are a gateway rug.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Dogs lick you because they love you.

Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”