I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
😭😭
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.