Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.