Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow