I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My love language is deader than Latin
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I needed a laugh this morning.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.