I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
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My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.