Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

How software testing works

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?