I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
bad news gang
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year