I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
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Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.