Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

my tinder date sounds fun: fingerblaster69. he probably does that finger guns thing. i love that

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides