I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Labreador
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
This could be us… but you playing
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
But is it really??
