I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
the icebreaker
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
