I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom