I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
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A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
🤣🤣🤣
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
based al yankovic
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…