I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
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Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.