I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*