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Just as the prophecy foretold
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals