Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Best spot.. 😅

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.