Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then