Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Salad is the decaf of food.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.

“Come on in for a Gouda time!”

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal