“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Where is your GOD now????
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
LOL!
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that