“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.