I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Truth
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket