I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I need better friends
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
me hooking up with my ex
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”