I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.