I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Yes my dude
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The Punning Dead.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?