“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want