“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
You Might Also Like
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?