I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Look at this
problems i need
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that