Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Need WebMD

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.