I stand by it
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?