I stand by it
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I think I’m having a stroke
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats