Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.