Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.