I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
You Might Also Like
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
the council will decide your fate
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I’m having an out of money experience.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut