I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin