I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.