@SarahcasticMom

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

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@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@psybermonkey

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

@UnFitz

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

@krissywillbretz

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

@form52

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

@T_Bonezzz

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave

@jellybnbonanza

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.