I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.


“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician


Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.


Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill


[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.


I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round


My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave


Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.