Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

If you want my opinion ask my wife

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Worst perfume name ever.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby