I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.