I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side