Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

new shirt idea

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place