I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
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work smarter, not harder
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
hand it over!
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish