I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Van Gone
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Meme Monday.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.