I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
why no one uses midhusbands
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?