@kimmie_1980: Level of singleness: yelling, "pizza's here!" So the delivery man doesn't think all the pizza is just for me...

@envydatropic: If Twitter has taught me anything it's that I'm glad I am not a therapist

@collinwithtwoLs: *cashier stares at obviously fake ID* you sure you're 3? *dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@rickelverum: Her: “Men are creepy!” Me, from inside of the closet: “Yes, we are.”

@Izianikapani: "Do people really become like their pets?" I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.