@jjax44

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

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@DancesWithTamis

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

@daemonic3

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.

@mrjohndarby

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

@iliezabeth

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

@EndhooS

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

@sad_tree

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies