@jjax44

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

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@mela_shea

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

@10InchesPlus

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

@murrman5

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

@crownjuul

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

@5hael

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

@SideOfWine

Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.

@Divergentmama

It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.

@tsm560

Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.

@OfficeofSteve

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window