I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

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[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?


The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.


[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda


Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you


I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.


Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.


It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.


Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.


Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window