I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
based al yankovic
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
The sacred texts.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP