I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow


My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating


“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA


Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.


[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good


ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA


Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way


Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.


[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies