Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook