I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.