I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Great game to play with friends
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
✌️
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?