I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Krampus.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Feel. He’s so soft.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.