I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no