I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
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Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
January is the Mondayest month of the year
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian