I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
If I ignore life will it go away?
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down