I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.