Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”