Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

Lmao 🤣

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards