I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps