Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”