Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

#Thanos #MondayMood

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat