Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.