Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

I’m awake but I object,

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”