Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell happened here.

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome