Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.