I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing