I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
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Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
also my go-to takeaway order
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open