Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before